An Imperial Edict on the Late Disturbances in Phoenicia
By Chris Floyd
Citizens, Attend! A Communication from the Divine Emperor Georgius Secundus Guber, Conqueror of Babylon, Scourge of Bactria, Groper of Germania, Teat of Succor to the Wealthy and Defender of the Faith-Based:
We have in our imperial wisdom have decided that our most steadfast and faithful satrap, Ehud Agrippa, lord lieutenant of the province of Judea, shall be allowed to continue his destruction of the Arab rabble in Tyre, in Sidon, in Beirut – yea, in all of the Lebanon shall there be no place safe from his sword. We have fixed the remaining duration of this most highly approved and unrestrained slaughter of troublesome vermin for the term of not less than one week, after which time we will deign to send our most beloved and comely Companion of the Throne, Condioryza, to our Phoenician and Judean domains, there to establish once more our imperial Peace.
Until that time, we send this stern counsel to the recalcitrant tribes who trouble our repose: Thou beasts, thou blocks, thou low and bitter things, it is best for you now to commend your hearts to the gods – for your posteriors belong to Ehud.