Friday, November 21, 2008

Finally, A Panacea For The Soul Crushing Futility Of Every Day Life

New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything

"PHILADELPHIA—Wyeth Pharmaceuticals unveiled a new pain-causing line of Advil this week that will help millions of benumbed, hollow consumers to feel at least somewhat alive for up to four hours.

"Advil Release delivers a soothing burst of pain when cold and listless Americans need it most," Wyeth CEO Bernard J. Poussot said during a press conference Monday. "Just two capsules can deliver all-day relief in the form of searing, life-affirming agony; the kind of agony Advil users trust when being a pale specter of humanity adrift in a meaningless and uncaring universe is just not an option anymore."

According to Poussot, the new drug works by delivering a powerful stimulant straight to the brain's pain center, causing an intense stinging sensation all over the body. If taken regularly, the deadening futility of day-to-day life will be temporarily washed away in a flood of blessed and cleansing torment.

"Two fast-acting, long-lasting Advil Release taken three times a day are recommended for anyone who is convinced he or she will never laugh or cry again," Poussot said. "Teenagers who see no difference between being dead or alive, nor why it makes a difference either way, may require twice the suggested dosage."


Anonymous abi said...

I get the same relief for free just by listening to any one of a number of neocons.

And some so-called democrats too.

22/11/08 11:27 AM  
Blogger nolocontendere said...

Haha, Michael Wiener does it for me.

22/11/08 6:08 PM  
Blogger pteranodon said...

Nine H-bombs exploded below the Arctic Ocean?

23/11/08 6:01 AM  
Blogger pteranodon said...

I found a similar series around the strange ( Oct. 28 earthquake near Quetta, Pakistan:

Perhaps HAARP or nukes were used in Canada as well as in Pakistan ...

23/11/08 6:28 AM  
Blogger Devin said...

HEHE-It would not surprise me anymore if the article had been real-in fact who knows-dome day it may be-I know some people who are in such an existential stupor that the ability to feel anything-even the worst pain might be a relief for them-one of them is a close relative-and without the ability to shop and BUY stuff-I almost think this person would blink out of existence-sad becuase inside this person there is something real-thanks as always for the links pteranodon!-Devin

23/11/08 10:07 PM  
Blogger nolocontendere said...

"There is a possibility that the Department of Energy working with the oil companies and the Department of Defence, the likely culprits, were attempting to shift the North Magnetic Pole."

Good fucking jeebus, pteranodon. This is mirrored at

25/11/08 1:32 AM  
Blogger Nina said...

i read that piece about the h-bombs on educate yourself a couple of days ago and, like you, was like WTF?!

of course the skies are sprayed with barium, aluminum, et al, supposedly under the guise of cooling the planet. so setting off some bombs to reverse the poles really need not be that surprising.

25/11/08 8:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just got into work. Another day of mind-numbing hell as I sit and stare at a computer all day. This morning I was lying in bed for a while trying to think of a reason to get up, hoping I could find motivation to want to get up before I just had to get up. I failed. Once into work (about 3 minutes ago) I googled the phrase "soul crushing futility of every day life" and this post was the first result. I got excited for a minute thinking it was real. (Obviously it's not, but hey, I'm not fully awake yet.) O'well, back to another day in paradise.

15/4/09 5:56 AM  

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