Friday, April 06, 2012

Alternative Weekend Religions

I went to the store today for groceries and immediately regretted my decision because all of a sudden, to my horror, I realized this is easter weekend. One of those made up "holidays" that retailers cash in on to peddle more wares. The place was jam packed but since I had to get cat food and the Mrs handed me a shopping list, there wasn't a thing I could do but battle the mob.

It occurred to me as all the crazed shoppers snapped up chocolate bunnies and flowers that the symbol for this holy occasion is a torture and murder device worn around believers' necks, presumably to show all around that that sensibility is at the core of their religious beliefs. Well so be it. If that's what floats your boat, humps your camel or tickles your pickle, sup to you.
Here is their official insignia, especially for this easter wonderfullness:

torture and murder device

Since this is such a bizarre 2000 year old relic, I thought that updating weird fetishisms was in order, keeping in line with original intent, in that suffering at the hands of a higher power is the pathway to righteousness.
So I propose these modern equivalents:

Criss Crosstianity

A whole new generation is growing up never knowing that these Figures In The Sky haven't been around for more than about fifteen years and unfortunately just take them for granted. Oh the signs and wonders that higher powers are magically capable of with their mastery of the heavens:

The Shroud Of Tebow

"Pat Robertson, televangelist and a leader in the Christian Right movement, said the Denver Broncos treated Tim Tebow "shabbily," adding an injury to the team's new quarterback Peyton Manning "would serve them right."

After being banished to the New Jersey desert, devotees will want to resonate with Saint Tebow by devoutly wearing His original Bethlehem in the Rockies holy garb.

Church Of The Divine Confessions

A more high tech version of those old witchcraft dunkings from centuries past, this proven technique for personal salvation has gained many adherents in recent years. And why not? Water is much better for us than all that wine sacrament business anyway.


The Church Of The Divine Greenback. Basically the de facto religion in our country today, so why not be proud about your love of dough while surrounded by all the impoverished unbelievers doomed to eternity in food stamp hell? What better symbol than money is emblematic of our subjugation to divine power?


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